Review Tip 1: Planning and Organizing to Reduce Holiday Stress

It is unfortunate but true that many of us make unrealistic demands on ourselves and others. When we set our expectations extremely high and then stress ourselves out by demanding that we achieve them, we can truly make our lives miserable. And, when we are so uptight trying desperately and frantically to meet our own self imposed demands, we tend to get uptight and short tempered with the people around us. A good clue is to notice that when other people see you coming, they get out of your way!

The holidays are filled with expectations. We expect certain things from other people and they expect certain things from us. Now, if either fails to meet those expectations, people are hurt, angry, disappointed, don’t feel cared about, unloved, etc.

Wouldn’t it be better if all of us were more realistic? What if we lowered the demands we make on ourselves and the expectations we have of others? We’d be a lot better off if we were more realistic about what we can and cannot do during this holiday season and what others can and cannot do.

We really think it’s important to take a realistic look at what you can do to avoid stressing yourself out. Chill out! Relax! Be realistic and enjoy the season!

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Now that the holidays are upon us, you’ll find that you will better manage your life and reduce your stress by planning and organizing the multitude of things that you need to get done. We’ve found that life just works better when we plan and organize our lives. This is especially true during the holidays. It’s better than frantically running around trying to get everything done at the last minute. Now that might be the way you tend to do things, however, remember that when you put yourself under that kind of stress you’ll eventually pay the price.

Rather than stressing yourself out, we’d suggest that you start by taking the time to sit down either in front of your computer or with paper and pencil and begin making a list of those things that you will need to get done. Try to make your list as comprehensive as possible by thinking of as many things as you can that will need to get done. Over the next few days, you’re likely to add to your list when things come to mind.

After you have made your list, it is time to begin making some decisions. In addition to “what” needs to be done, you’ll also need to answer such questions as when, where, and how much.

It’s important to have a budget so you don’t overspend. That’s especially important these days given the current financial state of affairs globally. Remember that everyone is affected in some way so expect that they’re likely to be cutting back on holiday spending just like you.

Once you have planned and organized what needs to be done, implement your plan. Be sure to pace yourself as you go through it. Don’t try to tackle too much all at once. Relax! Take your time and enjoy the season.

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We’re sure that on this Thanksgiving Day that you probably have a pretty long list of things to be thankful for. It’s nice to have at least one day a year when everyone across America is focusing on being thankful. In comparison to most people in the world, we have a lot to be thankful for.

We’d like to suggest, and you’ll probably agree, that what we appreciate most are not the things we have but our families and our very good friends. It is our very special relationships that give us the greatest pleasure, happiness, and fulfillment.

So, when our family and friends come together to celebrate Thanksgiving, we are reminded of just how important we are to each other. Now that’s something really worth celebrating. Happy Thanksgiving!

Be sure to listen in to the Couples Transformations Radio Show, every other week, we talk about how you can improve your life’s most important relationships!

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One of the life principles we live by is “whatever you focus on expands.” The concept is quite simple. Whatever you give most of your attention to ultimately becomes your life experience. If, for example, you focus on lack and limitation, then this is exactly what you will experience in life. On the other hand, if you focus on all of the things that you have, and live in gratitude for them, the more you will have and experience.

Without question these are difficult economic times for a lot of us. We don’t deny that. And yet, even during these challenging times, all of us have a great deal to be thankful for.

So, as we prepare for this Thanksgiving, let us resolve that we’ll begin a daily practice of expressing gratitude for all of the things we’ve been blessed to receive.

Listen to the Couples Transformations radio show to learn more about deepening your life’s most important relationships!

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When money gets tight, and emotions run high, couples have the “perfect storm” for separating or divorcing under the pressure. Children have the hardest time dealing with the break up—and research shows that many are impacted for life. When times are hard, we believe that it is not the time to “cave in” or “throw in the towel.” Rather, it the time when couples need to “close ranks” – to come together and work together to find solutions.

Now, you might say that we’re painting a pretty bad picture of how things are. Well, the good news is that while some are managing OK, there are countless others who are not. So, if you’re one of those whose life has not been impacted by the downturn in the economy, consider yourself blessed. Many others have not been as fortunate and are fearful of losing everything they’ve worked so hard to achieve.

If you’re one of those couples having it really hard right now, we’d like to invite you to join us for our new 30 minute Personal Transformations Radio Show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/JesseMelvaJohnson/

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So, what can you do to get your man to open up and talk to you more? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Talk Less – Listen More

Most men would say that they don’t feel heard; that their woman wants to be heard but they don’t listen to their man.

If you want your man to open up and talk to you, then you must listen to what he has to say. And when I say listen, I mean to really listen to understand what he’s attempting to communicate. Listen carefully, sincerely, and completely to his thoughts and ideas— period! And after he has shared his ideas, validate them. Until he feels heard, he is not likely to share his ideas or listen to yours. So what if you don’t agree with his ideas, we’ll get to that in a minute. Just keep reading for now.

2. Don’t Interrupt Him

Nothing breaks down communication faster than being interrupted when you are talking. This is particularly true for men— especially if they believe that their woman doesn’t care about what they have to say anyway. Far too often, women are so anxious and determined to correct their man by pointing out the flaws in his thinking, or his getting the “facts” correct, or committed to their opinion/solution that they interrupt him while he is attempting to communicate. They “jump in” and interrupt him before he has finished sharing his ideas. This frequently leads to an argument—that leads to frustration and anger—that leads to a breakdown in the communication process—and can lead to the breakdown in the relationship. The key to successful relationships and problem solving is to keep the communication going. So, listen to your man without interrupting him.

3. Ask Questions

You can encourage your man to open up more by asking him sincere, open ended questions. They should not be “loaded,” or opinionated, or questions that attempt to solicit and/or manipulate him into a particular answer or response that you want. If your man perceives that you have an agenda behind your question(s), he is likely to shut down. However, questions where you sincerely want to hear him fully and completely can open the doors to him sharing more freely with you. As a result, it can significantly improve the quality of your relationship.

4. What If You Don’t Agree With Him?

At the “hearing what you have to say” point in your discussion, it’s not necessary that you agree. You’ll have a chance to have your say but right now, while he’s sharing, this is not the time. Hearing what your man has to say is of primary importance. You are not likely to get to a mutually satisfying agreement or resolution until or unless both of you have been heard completely. When everything has been “laid on the table,” then, and only then, can the two of you come together to create a plan or solution. I am suggesting that you not offer any ideas or opinions even if you don’t agree until your man has had his say. Do not interrupt or correct him at this point.

Know that the two of you are not likely to agree initially. That is expected. You are two separate independent people who have your own ideas, opinions, and perceptions about the same and different things as well as the “facts.” That is really O.K. In fact, it is a good thing. When both people can share their thoughts, then, a wider set of ideas and possible solutions are communicated and can be taken into account by both persons in the problem solving and decision making process. Based upon all of the suggestions that have been shared, you are now better prepared to make a joint decision about whatever needs to be done for mutual benefit.

5. Give Him Time To Respond

Sometimes women ask their man a question about something that he has not thought about. Your man is likely not to think about the same things that you think about and he may need time to think about your question before he is prepared with a response. Often, women have already devoted a considerable amount of time thinking about the question. Not only have they thought about it, they are likely to have researched it, talked to others about it and soliciting their ideas, and often have pretty much made a decision. So, you’ve been with the question for quite a while. Your man has not and you are asking him to respond “off the cuff.” So, when you ask him what he thinks, isn’t it reasonable then that he may need time to think about it before he can arrive at his own ideas and opinions about it?

Offer him time to think about the question. For example, you might say, “I’d like to know your thoughts about _____. You probably will want some time to think about it and I want you to have the time you need. So, can we talk about it tomorrow (or at some agreed upon day/date) at ____(time) and you can tell me where you are in your thinking about it?

6. Express Sincere Gratitude For His Sharing

All of us tend to repeat the things we are acknowledged for. This is especially true when you want your man to open up and share more. Let him know that you sincerely appreciate and value his ideas and that they mean a lot to you. Each time he opens up and talks to you, acknowledge him for it.

So, these are my suggestions on how to get your man to open up more and talk to you. I sincerely hope they have been helpful. I know that I’ve only “scratched the surface” of this extremely important topic.

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva Johnson

Detroit Michigan Marriage Counselors

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The first point I’d like to make is throughout a man’s life—from birth, childhood, his schooling, dating, marriage, and even into old age men have a lot of women telling them what to do. Many, if not most women feel the need to make suggestions, “share their ideas,” or “advise” the boy/man because they know what’s best for him.” Maybe you’ve heard the old adage that “men wouldn’t know how to come out of the rain unless a woman told them how to.” That’s really an insult. It diminishes his dignity and self worth. It explains, in part, one of the reasons why some men have the tendency to shut down and don’t talk especially if he doesn’t feel heard. It also explains one of the reasons why some women have trouble attracting and keeping a man. Just as women want someone to talk to and be heard, validated, and understood so do men. But many men believe that they can’t “get a word in edge wise.” If the man feels that he’s not going to be heard, he may find someone else to talk to who will hear what he has to say. And we know that there are always females who’ll give him time, attention, and conversation, or whatever. It has been reported, for example, that some men are so desperate to be heard that they will pay a prostitute just to listen to them. Also, if a man believes that he’s going to be told what to do, he’s likely to shut down and/or exit the relationship emotionally or physically.

If you are in a relationship with a man, and you believe that you have figured out a solution to whatever any given situation is, then all you have to do is to convince your man that you are right. If he raises an objection or has other ideas or alternatives to suggest, they are often not heard and/or discarded by the woman. So, when he is asked to offer an opinion, most men have decided that it isn’t going to be heard anyway so why bother saying anything. Rather than being angry or frustrated, many men decide that they don’t want to have an argument like so many others they’ve had with their woman that just wasn’t very pleasant. So, they just shut down and don’t talk.

In case women who’re reading this article wonder about how accurate my description and explanation is, let me respond by saying that this is precisely the kind of thing that men talk to each other about when they’re together at the local “watering hole.” Men simply complain that often they don’t feel heard by their woman. They don’t want to go home and argue. So, their solution is to keep quiet. Is it a solution? Absolutely not! People have to talk together to solve and resolve mutual problems—especially if you’re a couple. But many men just don’t know how to get their woman to listen, in all earnest, to what they have to say.

I also want to note that recent brain research seems to suggest that women, physiologically, may have some advantage in their ability to process a broader range of factors in considering alternative courses of action in problem identification and problem solving. Certainly, women do tend to take into account specific factors that most men just don’t think about. And while that may be true, it is also important to point out that whatever a woman may think about, it is only one point of view. Men also have a point of view too. When both points of view are offered and considered, the couple is likely to make better decisions together because considerably more perspectives are being taken into account.

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva Johnson

www.JesseandMelvaJohnson.com

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Research aimed at studying this phenomenon does not see it as a viable alternative to marriage. For example, research conducted by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University found that couples living together were more likely to get divorced when married. Another study by the National Survey of Families and Households in 1992 concluded that married couples who lived together first before getting married were 46% more likely to get divorced. So, if you decide to live together in a “trial marriage” before getting married, the stats are not in your favor. You might be better off just going ahead and getting married. The reason why we offer this suggestion we’ll explain in just a moment.

Another reason why some decide to live together is for economic reasons. Sharing rent, food, utilities, transportation, furnishings, and the like are less costly when shared by couples. But just like with married couples, money can become an area of major conflict—especially if one partner is expecting and depending upon the other to come up with their share of the monthly expenses and they fail to do so. Not having all the money to pay your rent at the last minute because your partner has let you down makes one distrustful and insecure about the future of the relationship and is a major stressor. At least, if you’re married, hopefully, you have discussed and planned how to manage your joint household expenses because you are legally bond to do so.

Successful relationships require that both persons know and use good relationship skills. Those skills are necessary whether you are just living together or married. If you don’t know how to resolve conflicts, negotiate differences, manage money, honor your commitments, share responsibilities, be open to change, willing to grow, keep the love alive, and work together for mutual benefit, then living together or being married is likely to be a big disappointment.

We highly recommend that couples work with a competent marriage counselor/educator before moving in together or marrying to acquire and being using the skills necessary to make it a viable, successful relationship.

To Your Relationships Success,

Jesse and Melva Johnson

Relationship Experts

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It really doesn’t need to be this way. In our experience, the overwhelming majority of marriages can be saved. When we say “saved,” we’re talking about couples transforming troubled marriages into really good ones. We know this to be a fact because we’ve helped so many couples to have wonderful marriages—far better than either of them dreamed possible. We do make exceptions where a spouse is abusive, has had multiple affairs, is mentally ill, addicted, and either refuses to get help or fails to follow through on their treatment. However, the majority of marriages do not fall into this category. In fact, the #1 problem in most marriages is the couple’s inability to communicate effectively, resolve their differences, and maintain an emotional, spiritual, and physical connection.

Unfortunately, many people divorce because they’re unhappy and just don’t know what else to do. Many believe that they have tried everything possible to fix the marriage. Most try on their own without the help of a competent, professional marriage therapist and often fail in their attempts. They believe, incorrectly, that divorce will relieve them of their pain and discomfort only latter to discover that the divorce has created a whole bunch of additional problems and that the marriage was far better than the divorce.

So, the question is, “what is the alternative?” Before you make the decision to get a divorce, we’d like to suggest that you:

1. Get Marriage Counseling

Make every attempt to get you and your spouse into counseling. If you don’t know who to see, ask around. Lots of people have gotten help and can refer you to really good marriage therapists.

1. Get Personal Counseling

In some cases, in spite of your best efforts, you may not be able to convince your spouse to go to counseling with you. We’d suggest that you seek counseling on your own. It will enable you to sort through your feelings, consider alternatives that you’ve not considered, and change the way you address situations in your marriage.

It is important to get help right away. The sooner you get started, the better your chances of saving your marriage.

We’d suggest that you read our article entitled, “5 Tips To Saving Your Marriage” which provides some practical ideas that can be beneficial.

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse & Melva Johnson

Improve Your Most Important Relationships!

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Contrary to popular belief, numerous research studies have proven that there are many benefits for women, men, children and youth for being in happy marriages. The following is a listing of many of those benefits:

The Benefits for Women

Researchers have found many benefits for women who are in healthy happy marriages that include the following:

1. Emotionally healthier

2. More satisfying relationship

3. Wealthier

4. Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and other violent crimes

5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide

6. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse

7. Less likely to contract STD’s

8. Less likely to remain or end up in poverty

9. Have better relationships with their children

10. Physically healthier

The Benefits For Men

Researchers have found many benefits for men who are in healthy happy marriages that include the following:

1. Liver longer

2. Physically healthier

3. Wealthier

4. Increase in the stability of employment

5. Higher wages

6. Emotionally healthier

7. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse

8. Have better relationships with their children

9. More satisfying sexual relationship

10. Less likely to commit violent crimes

11. Less likely to contract STD’s

12. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide

The Benefits for Children & Youth

Researchers have found many benefits for children who are raised by parents in healthy happy marriages include the following:

1. More likely to attend college

2. More likely to succeed academically

3. Physically healthier

4. Emotionally healthier

5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide

6. Demonstrate less behavioral problems in school

7. Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse

8. Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol

9. Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors

10. Have better relationships with their mothers and fathers

11. Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married

12. Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone

13. Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers

14. Less likely to contract STD’S

15. Less likely to be raised in poverty

Source: Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences, September 2005

Also see: What Is A Healthy Marriage?, Kristin Anderson Moore; Susan M. Jekielek; Jacinta Bronte-Tinkew; Lina Guzman; Suzanne Ryan; Zahia Redd, September 2004

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